December 29, 2013

A Resurfacing Dream

I tried to name this the least cheesy way possible and this is the best I can come up with.

For a couple of months I have not posted anything on this blog even if I promised to. I've been busy keeping up with all the activities, most of which are extra curricular. There was TRP (Tao Rin Pala), UP College of Medicine's yearly variety show and chorale competition. This event has long been a UPCM tradition in which the College's different classes, organizations and departments put up the best show possible to prove that there is life outside medicine, for those in the field. Then there was the Lantern Parade, where it's also a tradition that the 1st year medical students build the College's entry for the University's Lantern Contest, the winner of which will represent the University in UP Diliman's Lantern Parade. A greater pressure was placed on our shoulders to make an award-winning lantern because for 2 years, our College has won first place! We had to rise to that level to uphold our batch's name. Thanks to my awesome batchmates, and to God, we won! On top of that, we had to study for our exams, one of which, the Renal Physiology exam, is dubbed the most difficult exam ever in LU3 (1st year). I hope now you understand why once again, I failed as a blogger.

It's not that I've not attempted to write. In fact I was planning on writing an interview preparation guide since by this time, most medical aspirants have already submitted their application forms to the different medical schools. If not yet interviewed, at least most of them are waiting for their interviews. I was also thinking of elaborating on the various extra curricular activities I've been busy with, to express how much I'm enjoying my UPCM stay. However, I never found the energy to sit in front of my laptop and write, even if I had the time.

This night or shall I say this morning, however, is different. My caffeine infused bloodstream is strongly keeping me from falling asleep. I attempted to study yesterday so that I could complete the signatures needed for The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf's planner and at the same time read in advance for next year's lessons and exams (Please don't judge. I may sound a little grade conscious right now, but I'm not. I study in advance because I don't perform under pressure. I'd rather sleep than study if too little time is left. I wouldn't want to fail without putting up some kind of a fight!) And for that attempt I got robbed of one night's sleep which I badly need to recover from the past week's activities.

As I lay awake on my bed with my sister sleeping beside me, I could not help but to go over my life and assess the things I've been and not been able to do. I can't help but realize that for the past years I've been pouring my time preparing for my dream of following my parents' footsteps – to become a medical doctor. But with that, I've abandoned my other dream – to become a musician.

I am now 22, and I'm not where I want to be in music. I love doing stuff with music - listening, singing, playing. I've gone tired of practicing and practicing and practicing to no avail. And I feel like my skills have gone rusty since I've stopped practicing music for most of my undergraduate years.

I can't blame anybody for this. I've been given the lessons I needed, I've been bought most of the instruments I got interested in, but sadly, there were a lot of times when I've been too lazy to push myself to practice. It doesn' help that I'm a perfectionist and if I don't get things right the first few tries, it would be so easy for me to give up! And oh how I regret the wasted opportunities, refusing to allow people (my Dad especially) to hear me play.

I can't even blame my undergraduate years for draining the music. I could have made the most out of what I had at that time, but I did not; more regrets.

I want to believe that it's not too late for me. I want to believe that I can still improve and that music can still be a big part of my life even as years come. I've got a pool of regrets regarding this matter but I don't want to add more to it.

(c) Linus Go
I remember somebody once told me, “You are truly worshiping God through what you are doing when you feel most alive while doing it”. So far, I feel most alive when I play music. Even if the right notes don't come out sometimes, the elation does not leave as long as sooner or later a wonderful melody comes out. I know God allowed me to have this fondness for music. I may not yet know why, but I'm sure it's for me to worship Him. I hope and pray that in time He will reveal to me the exact reason, and by then I hope I'm completely tuned and synced.

That's what I truly hope for. Not just for me, but for all those who feel the way I do :)

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